Untitled 10-5-10

This nagging throbbing that leaves me breathless
A pain that reminds me of your face
The hot liquid that burns as I swallow
A feeling not unlike the love that I had for you
When your heart left mine behind
There was nothing else to turn to
And so I drank my despair away
But it was never enough to drown you out
I can still hear your laugh, smell your hair
And the tears won't stop flowing
Even now when only that throbbing remains
I'm only reminded of you.

- 10/May/2010


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I wrote this the first time I listened to Lee Seung Gi's "Love Taught Me to Drink". It's nothing amazing (not that any of my poems are) since I just wrote it off the top of my head without putting too much thought/effort into it.

Untitled 7-5-10

I shut myself in this room alone
Nothing but the reverberation of tears
Slowly, gradually, painstakingly
Each drop counts the seconds that tick by
How much longer before this pain ends?

Lost and confused by your words
I couldn't understand your thoughts
Was there a deeper meaning behind them
Or is this my mind tormenting me again?

The sadness that wells up from within
No one to blame for it but myself
Each ragged breath is a bittersweet reminder
That my despair still lingers here
When will this reality slip away from me?

- 7/May/2010


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Written to the GazettE's "Bath Room".

Untitled 27-4-10

Eyes unfocused, I stumble to the middle of the room
A momentary pause, a final contemplation
But my mind has already been made up
Ever since that pain became unbearable.
And I listen to the sound of the past
Shame being plucked across those strings
As my body convulses and twitches in vain
Last ditch effort to draw a final breath.
Those uncontrollable sobs that you couldn't soothe
All the scars you never tried to hide
It almost gave you pleasure to watch me writhe
Will your darkness be satiated with my death?

Reddened tears that drip to the floor
Gradual staccato that cannot be ignored.
Your sins that gently swing before you
Lingering hate that cannot be erased.

- 27/April/2010


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Written to the song "Nakigahara" by the GazettE, with some lines particularly inspired by the koto solos.

I just realised that this actually seems out of chronological order; however, I wrote this one in the midst of writing the previous poem, "Sexual Deviant". So technically, "Sexual Deviant" precedes this one although it's completion date comes after.
Not that it really matters.

"Sexual Deviant"

Ecstasy welling up from deep inside
Gasping, choking, struggling for breath
Your gaze only brings me closer to the edge
Even if your skin remains deathly chill.
I think I'm a man who yearns to be a woman
And yet I also like them both in one
Young and old, and everything in between
Let me witness your shamelessness.
I can turn both of our pain into pleasure
Humiliate yourself when you can no longer bear it
Yellow rivulets that mix with your tears
Empty bowels that build my excitement.
Dress me up in clothing that do not suit me
Those obscene whispers igniting my desire
Escalating with every click of the camera
Even a brush with death will drive me higher.
Scream as you shove me away and show me your hate
Every undulation against disgusted skin turns me on
I can't stop when convulsions break the surface
Fueling my twisted fascination with the perverse.

- 28/April/2010


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One of the few poems that I actually spent longer than one session writing. Usually I write a poem in one go, and it doesn't take that long, but this one I worked on over the course of a few days. Strangely enough, I was inspired after reading the Wiki entry on various paraphilias, heh. Basically, this poem incorporates a number of paraphilias or sexual fetishes, and so may seem a bit disjointed. I quite like it though.

Untitled 25-4-10

Eyes closed tightly, blocking out reality
How many seconds, minutes pass by
Ragged breaths that betray true feelings
Sensations that push their way to the surface
Almost too much yet not nearly enough
A rising desperation that cannot be fulfiled.

Fingers clenched, entwined in sheets
How many hours, days slip by
A knotted guilt that refuses to unravel
A body too trained to ignore the touches
Writhing in barely concealed pain and pleasure
An obsession that threatens to overwhelm.

- 25/April/2010

Untitled 19-5-10

The feeling of hopelessness pervading my senses
A sinking hint of desperation deep inside
Give me all of your hate and all of your lies
I will take your everything to fill my nothing
Twist your agony even deeper into me
Burning desolation that can never be quenched.

Whispers of temptation trailing across my skin
Touch me more, hate me more, break me more
Make me want you even more until my submission
I will envelope your everything to satiate my nothing
Drive your despair even further into me
Obscene desire that can never be fulfiled.

- 19/April/2010


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Written to SID's "Memai". And somewhat influenced by the GazettE's "Filth in the beauty".

"Dreams"

This invisible line that cannot, should not be crossed
I can only stand and watch you from the sidelines
A goodbye that can only be heard in dreams.
This heartbeat that cannot, should not be heard
Silent confessions of unforgivable feelings
A song that can only be sung in dreams.
This love that cannot, should not exist
You can only blind your eyes to my pain
A life that can only be lived in dreams.

-18/April/2010


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When I wrote this poem I added a little note at the bottom that it doesn't really make sense and that maybe I'd recycle it into a better poem later on. After reading it numerous times, I've come to like it and find what little sense there is to it. Not only that, but when have I ever "recycled" my poems anyway?

This was written to "Sleep" by SID.

Upcoming poems

The next poem I'm going to post really marks the beginning of a stylistic change, more so than the one from November 2009. Aside from song titles/music becoming a much bigger influence, I also began to take my poem writing more seriously, like I used to before. Instead of just carelessly writing my emotions out in the span of a few minutes, I really sat down and tried to channel them into something more eloquent and flowing. I don't know if it worked, and it's still very much an ongoing effort but I hope that my sincerity and feelings have somehow made it through.

My poems, for the most part, have also taken on a much darker tone, a bit reminiscent of my older ones. All this really means is that there's less heartbreak and more angst, heh. I've also been experimenting with slightly more uncomfortable subjects, though it's probably not obvious from the poems themselves.

Anyway, I hope these upcoming poems reflect my growth as a poet (am I qualified to call myself such?) and my desire to improve.

Untitled 28-1-10

Closing my heart once more
To these feelings that can never be realised
Like dreams that break and shatter
Useless emotions that only hold me back
Why is it always like this?

Trying to live once again
Without depending on your presence
Don't be so nice to me all the time
Useless hope that only holds me back
Why is it never enough?

Letting my mind wander, just once
Back to when I thought I understood your heart
More complex than I give you credit for
Useless memories that only hold me back
Why is it so hard to forget?

- 28/Jan/2010


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Woohoo! Finally reached the 2010 poems.

Untitled 29-11-09

Let me hear your voice again
Just one more time
Let me feel your warmth
Remind me of my loneliness
Without you by my side
And whenever I forget about you
Be there to hold me back
Tie me down with your selfishness
And never let me go.

- 29/Nov/2009


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If you've ever been to my main blog, you'll recognise this one. Even though it's really short, I like it a lot. It's very simple but still gets the point/feelings across.

This is also the last poem for 2009. Yes, I only wrote 2 poems last year. :(

Untitled 17-11-09

Things always happen for a reason
Is what they tell me
And deep down I know I'm better off
Without you in my life
But sometimes I can't help but feel
That sense of yearning
Whenever I reminisce about our past.

If this is how we're supposed to be
Why do tears find me
At night when I miss you the most
When will I convince my heart
Of what my mind already knows
That our happy ending
Is only meant to be when we're apart.

- 17/Nov/2009


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Written while looping Lee Seung Gi's "Happy Ending".
There's a 1+ year gap during which I apparently didn't write anything at all (either that or I just can't find them). I was extremely out of practice when I wrote this but I think it turned out okay. Nothing great and kind of cliched, but not overly bad either.

This also sort of marks the start of an inspiration change; most of the poems (though not the next two) after this are inspired by a song title or the music itself.

Untitled 23-8-08

Quickly, slowly, the darkness creeps in
Curling like mist around my tainted wings
Black and white stained as one
Light, companion of sin
Your hand gradually slips from mine
Unable to hold on, I let you fall
Allowing darkness to take over, chasing
Only to lay broken, alone
Blood, dripping thick and hot
Leaves my heart cold, embittered
Resting in the comfort of my despair

- 23/August/2008


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This one is pretty different to the others right before it in the sense that there's less mushy-heartache-type stuff. There was no period at the end of the poem and I wasn't sure if that was done intentionally or not so I figured I would leave it as is.

Also, this is the last poem of 2008. The ones for 2009 are even fewer in number. :(

Untitled 24-6-08

This isn't what I want anymore
An illusion inside my heart alone
And lying next to you only makes me sad
Because I know that it isn't mine
This dream will shatter one day
Leaving just the pieces and the tears
How can I find the strength within
To just breathe and let you go?

- 24/June/2008


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Even though it's quite short, I really like this one. It might look familiar if you've stumbled across my main blog. :)

What happened?

I was randomly reading some unfinished stories that I had written years ago and they're really not half-bad. I mean, they're not amazingly great but they're certainly better than anything I've written recently.

One of the things I've been having problems with is flow. I find my recent writings to sound forced and... trite. Some of my old pieces at least flowed and for the most part didn't sound clumsy. The descriptions were decently vivid, and the use of vocabulary was varied enough that it didn't sound like I was using the same words over and over again. Most importantly, they had the potential to draw the reader into the story.

I suspect that the main reason that I have literary constipation is that I don't read regularly anymore. I can't transfer my thoughts convincingly onto paper/screen simply because I don't know how to anymore. My vocabulary is pretty much shot, and it shows in my more recent poems as well.

Strangely enough, even though I usually attribute my decrease in reading to lack of time, I actually blame my Form 3 English teacher. She told us that whenever we come across a word in a book that we didn't know the meaning of, we should write it down and look it up. That totally killed reading for me. I got so caught up in understanding the literal meaning of every single word (as opposed to assuming meaning through context or just plain skipping over it) that my escape into the story was always interrupted by the need to write unknown words down.
Similarly, I find myself reading lines or paragraphs over and over again just to make sure that I actually understand what the author is trying to say, as opposed to just reading and letting the story permeate without effort.

I'm definitely going to try to get back into the reading thing because I miss getting lost in a book, and I miss being able to write effortlessly. Of course, things are always easier said than done.

Untitled 5-5-08

These emotions that swirl and change with each passing moment
Feelings that I can't trust when you say those words
Because I know that by tomorrow they'll flicker and fade away
Only to return when it should be too late to matter.
This cycle of pulling me in only to push me away again
One day I won't hear your heart when it calls out to me
And you'll feel the same pain that I feel now
A lesson that should've been learned a long time ago.

- 5/May/2008

Untitled 17-3-08

Running through the darkness
I feel you grasp my hand tightly
Knowing that you are beside me
I can face anything that comes
But gradually I felt your grip loosen
And my confidence began to falter
Struggling to hold onto you
We slipped ever further away
In the end I tried to let go
But our chains still bind us
Trying to find a single foothold
The strength to draw my own breath
One day at a time the fear lessens
And finally I know I can be free.

- 17/March/2008

Untitled 25-1-08

With every passing day my feelings change
Twisting colours of viscous oil and water
Pain and sorrow for what I lost
Quiet joy for what I gained
Gentle yearning for what's already gone
What emotion will I ride on tomorrow?
Lethargic days are harder to pass
And missing someone becomes the norm
Busy days keep my mind off at first
But in the end a void remains.
How do you know when to give up
Or how to kill the hope that lingers.

- 25/Jan/2008


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First poem from 2008. Yay?

Untitled 15-12-07

Watching the tears fall one by one
Breaking into pieces as they hit the floor
How can I stop them from bleeding
Releasing all your pain and sorrow to the air
I'm suffocated by your despair
I want to walk away from you, far away
To a place where your sadness cannot touch me
Yet I stay, and every breath I take burns
As your poison seeps into my system
I can't help but take it all in
All I can do is watch you as you fall
Breaking into pieces as you hit the bottom
How can I stop you from crashing
Releasing all your hatred and anger unto me
I'm suffocated by you.

- 15/Dec/2007


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I don't really remember writing this... though I can guess under what general circumstances it was written. I actually kind of like it but I feel like it might have benefited from some actual punctuation, heh.

Also, this is the last poem for 2007. The 2008 and 2009 poems are very few in number so I should be caught up to 2010 in no time, at which point this blog will most likely come close to dying since I haven't been writing anything that good lately.

Untitled 15-10-07

Too broken inside to feel this anymore
What's left is only the numbing pain
One lonely tear slides down my cheek
But in the end I still couldn't find the strength
To say that forever will never come
The happiness I once thought we deserved
Is a dream so unreal and far away
Was our love always this hard, this rough
That gradually we forgot what it means
To trust in each other's smiles and hearts
But in the end I still couldn't find the words
To finally say goodbye to you and leave
Once and for all freeing myself from this
Instead I stand before you, an empty shell
Both of us too broken inside to care anymore.

- 15/Oct/2007

Untitled 15-6-07

The words I can't seem to voice
The feelings I hold back from you
I told myself I wouldn't struggle
Ultimately giving in to you again.
Taking everything you throw at me
You push me until you tire of it
Realising I'm not about to falter
I let you be the one who ends this.
Holding on so tightly to this "us"
Eventually we are bound to break
Looking for something never there
Wanting the people we cannot be.
One more chance we gave ourselves
At least now we know what this is
Build walls around heavy hearts
And try to smile through the pain.

- 15/June/2007

Untitled 16-2-07

This sea is too wide and vast to see beyond
All I want is to see your face before me
To hear your voice in the distant wind
And to feel your warm hand within mine
So please let me know if you feel the same
Because this sea is too big for just one
And I want to share every moment with you.

- 16/Feb/2007


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I was originally going to skip this one but I decided at the last minute to go ahead and post it, for two reasons:
1) the number of 2007 poems that I'm going to end up posting is already pretty low, and
2) it's somewhat unusual in the sense that I'm almost positive that I wrote this to a song but for the life of me, I can't remember what song it is. I'm tempted to say it's "Sakana" by Spitz even though initially I could have sworn it was an ELLEGARDEN song. But even when I listen to either of those songs I can't recall anything. Oh well. :(

Untitled 5-2-07

Carried on the wings of my emotions
Unable to tell where next I'll go
High or low, it's all the same in the end
When there's nothing left but the colours
Of the feelings you try to hide
But letting it all out feels so good
Nothing else can compare to this high
Nothing else can compensate for the low
In the end the colours blend together
A rainbow of emotion that carries me on.

- 5/Feb/2007

Stalling

I haven't been posting poems as often as before, partially because I've been really tired lately but mostly because I'm not sure what to post next. I'm reading through the 2007 poems trying to decide which ones I should bother posting and which ones I should just skip (though honestly I'm tempted to skip the majority of them). This usually ends with me sighing and just putting everything away for another day, haha. Oh well. I'll figure things out eventually.

Untitled 21-1-07

And so the cycle starts all over again
All the pain that I managed to hide
Comes crashing back, suffocating me
The lingering hope that stays with me
Yet the doubt that holds me back
I don't know how to make it all right
How else to make you want me more
Than you already say that you do
But how can I trust these words of yours
When your actions are so different
If this, us, was truly meant to be
Why is it so hard to even say yes
Even though it's all either of us wants
I want to hate you, to push you away
But I want you in my life, to see you
The best thing for us is to just part
And never cross each other's path again
This painful limbo will never be enough
Tearing my heart to pieces every time
That I see your face and hear your voice
But I'm willing to hold onto this torture
Because I don't want to let you go.

- 21/Jan/2007


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I noticed that I seem to have a dislike of punctuation, aside from the final period. Chalk it up to style, I guess?

Untitled 2-1-07

Cold raindrops on the surface of a puddle
Sending ripples through the broken calm
A reminder of how easily life is disrupted
By what we can expect but never control
No matter how likely the chances are
For clouds to block the struggling sun rays
There's always that inkling of positive doubt
That somehow the sun will break through
Past the grey prisons that hold it captive.

- 2/Jan/2007


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I think I was trying to write something less emotion-driven and more surrounding-inspired. It worked for all of maybe 4 lines and then it was all downhill from there.

Untitled 4-12-06

I want to believe that you're better than this
That the heart I saw for those brief moments
Is the true you, and not who I see before me now
Isn't it funny how we think we know one another
When all we do is masquerade an endless facade
Of what we think the other wants to see
Our human nature holds us back from the truth
The desire to be loved overrides our integrity
But deep inside I want you to lie to me more
Pretend that this angel is not truly tainted
Hiding your broken wings behind a crooked smile
I want to believe that the person I loved before
For that one miniscule drop in an ocean of time
Is the true you, and not a ripple in reality
And isn't it funny that even now I want your lies
I don't want to know the real you if all it means
Is letting go of this perfect dream in my heart
That I've built to cover up both our flaws
So close your eyes to the real me as I do you
Never letting our masks slip to reveal the truth.

- 4/Dec/2006


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Last poem from 2006!

This is my story.

The harsh reality of life is all too real to me. The bitter taste of loneliness, the sweet taste of revenge. My soul is empty tonight and my mind is wrought with torturous thoughts of enemies and friends alike, both who treat me the same. I am the epitome of pity, like the vagrant who you pass by in the street, who you see with eyes blind to his unfamiliar pain.

Alas, I tell you, my faithful and wretched reader, the time will come when retribution will hunt you down and have its way with you. It will hold your soul down, chain your body with cold shackles of torment, and rape you. Retribution shall be your kidnapper, your torturer and your executioner. Your screams will fall on deaf ears as your body writhes with the excruciating pain that retribution shall wreak upon you.

My only advice is that you seek not to incur the wrath of retribution upon yourself, for it is a horrid thing to endure. May your soul find its peace in the love of others.

I myself am a poor one, not only monetarily. I lack the basic qualities of a human being: compassion, love, pity. I lie here on the dark floor of emptiness, weeping and cursing the karma of the world. I am but a mere handmaiden, once a well-known courtesan. You do not know me, you cannot judge me. For though I lie in the arms of retribution tonight, the time will come when retribution will tire of the pleasure of my soul and I promise you, retribution will bend you and take you from behind.

How did I come to find myself in this position you ask? Listen well, and learn from my mistakes, wanderer. This is my story.


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Found this in a folder and decided to type it up and post it. It was supposed to be the intro for a story that I never wrote. There actually was more which was the beginning of the story itself but I chose to leave that out since it was unfinished (it was only about the same length as the intro). I must have written this like... 6+ years ago. o_O

Untitled 20-11-06

Even though this has ended so long ago
Never look back to what we lost
No regrets and no lingering resentment
Move forward with only hope for the future
Stifling the urge to step backward
Into the bleak void that we left behind.
And with these words I gather my courage
With these thoughts I prepare my spirit
To meet the challenges that await me
I am weak but I will prevail
I will conquer the demons that seek me out
I am afraid but I will not surrender
I will be triumphant in the end.

- 20/Nov/2006

Untitled 14-10-06

This person that you see before you
Won't be here to stay by your side forever
This person who isn't worthy of you
Will always bring tears to your eyes
This person fades and reappears
Heedless of the pain caused to you
So before I give you this ring
Let me change this person into someone else
Someone who will make you happy
And who won't look back to the past
And once I give you this ring
I hope you too will say yes.

- 14/Oct/2006


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I wrote this to ELLEGARDEN's "Yubiwa" (yubiwa means ring). Just looked up the lyrics to the song tonight; I can't believe in all these years I never thought to look them up.

Anyway, even though this poem isn't the greatest, I really like the sentiment of wanting to become a better person to be worthy of marrying your significant other.

Untitled 30-9-06

All the unspoken words between us
Lingering in the tense atmosphere
That has become so familiar, too familiar
What my gaze on you cannot comprehend
What my heart cannot communicate to yours
When did it become so hard, too hard
To just be together with each other
Is it all just a game to test our wills
Against tears that come so easily, too easily.
So slowly we turn from the one we love
A pause, a heartbeat, a lingering regret
Then walk away, each step so heavy, too heavy
Goodbye...

- 30/Sept/2006


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I must really like the phrase "lingering regret" because I used it in my latest poem without remembering that it was also in this one. I don't doubt that it's in a number of my other poems too. Then again, there are a lot of recurring images/cliches/phrases in my poems. *sigh*

Also, it seems like my inspiration ran dry in the middle of 2006, huh? Lots of those dry spells coming up, unfortunately (or fortunately, because it means that I'll get to my 2010 poems that much faster and with less suffering through the overly mushy ones).

"If Only..."

How quickly life passes us by
The grains in the hourglass almost gone
What it is to remember the people
Who have already left this world
We realise how lucky we are to still be here
Left only with the memories and regrets
But life's too short to only dwell
On what could've, should've been done
How things might've turned out differently
If only...

How quickly the sun disappears
Rays dipping low beyond the horizon
But even when only the darkness remains
It's hard to forget the brilliance
That lights our lives every day
We realise aren't we lucky to still be here
Left with the chance to make things right
To do what could, should be done
Because life's too short to keep on thinking
If only...

- 21/May/2006


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Wrote this when a friend's brother passed away. RIP.

Untitled 21-4-06

Waiting for the chance to finally see you
For the chance to make it to your heart
It's been so long since I last heard your voice
Even if it was only to tell me goodbye
Watching your back disappear from sight
As you walked out of the room, out of my life
Heart breaking into pieces as the tears fall
Knowing that it was my own insecurities
That pushed your heart far from my own
And now we stand here, face to face once more
With nothing to say, nothing left to do
But smile and wave goodbye to this
What never was, and never meant to be
How can you lose something that was never yours?

- 21/April/2006


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Bleh.

Transient motivation

I've been lacking in motivation lately to post my past poems, maybe because I've reached the point where they're all mushy and... I don't know... icky. I'm kind of excited about getting to my more recent poems though, enough that I'm contemplating just screwing the chronological order thing. But I'd rather not have to backtrack to these so I'm just going to go ahead with how I've been doing things thus far. On the bright side (if you can call it that), I'll probably skip a lot of the 2006/2007 poems because they suck more than usual, and then I didn't write very much in 2008/2009. So I should be caught up to 2010 in no time.

Reading fanfics on LiveJournal has become my hobby lately, and I've stumbled across so many great writers on LiveJournal. It really makes me want to write but I've never had the patience or the creativity to pull off a story, except maybe two (and even that is probably wishful thinking). I always started stories when I was younger, and I still have many of those drafts with me even today, but I never finished them. I had this bad habit of rewriting and reworking everything, and then eventually losing interest or losing motivation. It's just so frustrating to want to write something awesome and find that it's so ridiculously hard to actually put your images and emotions into words on paper.
Although it's a little different, when I was in undergrad and my friends would complain about having to write a paper but not being able to write anything good, I would always give them this advice: just write. It doesn't matter how bad it is, how stupid it sounds, how many grammatical errors or spelling mistakes you have, or how muddled your ideas are. Just write. You can always go back and tweak it; the more important thing is to just get something down.

Practice what you preach, huh.

Untitled 4-4-06

Fluctuating between high and low
My mood swings have become unpredictable
I don't know how else to make it better
Drugs, natural and imagined
Pain, physical and self-inflicted
One small thing can make it all go away
But then it all comes flooding back again
Like waves upon a rocky shoreline
Grains of sand lost with every ebb and flow
And now I don't wish for death anymore
I'd just end up back at the beginning
Destined to endure this forever.

- 4/April/2006

Untitled 28-3-06

I feel like I'm being driven insane by you
Anywhere I go, you're there with me
Thoughts of you refuse to fade from my mind
Your memories plaguing my every move
When will I forget the time we had together
The brief spell that swayed our rationale
Sometimes temptation's just too strong to resist
We've fallen and now there's no going back
To the place where we once used to be
There's nowhere to look but ahead
But even that holds a bleak future for us.
There was never a time before now
When I hated myself more than when I met you
And reality blurs into nothing when we're apart
Waiting for the end of the game to come
So we can drift away from these chains
That bind both our sins one to the other
Close our eyes and forget what was never there
Burn the bridges that can't ever be crossed.

- 28/March/2006


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I wasn't going to post this initially because overall I really don't like it. There's no oomph, no emotion. But there are a couple of lines that did appeal to me so I thought I'd go for it.
Also, the last line brings to mind the song "The Point of No Return" from "The Phantom of the Opera"... I was probably obsessed with it at the time that I wrote this poem, heh. Not that the images/meanings are anything alike, aside from bridges burning.

Untitled 11-2-06

The gentle rain beating rhythmically against the window
Filling this room with the sound of lonely emptiness
Like the memories that threaten to overcome my heart
The feeling of you beside me has yet to fade
Even though your presence has long left this room
But I can never forget your body in my arms
Warming me against the coldness of the night
Responding to every touch, every light brush
Flushed pink with the heat of our passion
Moving against you I can feel your heartbeat
A faint rhythmic drumming that mirrors my own
As your voice fills this room with sweet pleasure
Reaching our limit we let go of everything
The white ecstasy threatening to overtake our minds
When all else fades away, all that's left is just us
But even that fades with time, like an old photograph
Left in the sun and neglected for too long
And now there's only the rhythmic fall of tears
Upon the floor, echoing in the silence of this room.

- 11/Feb/2006

Untitled 6-2-06

The gentle lull of life passing me by
The lively sounds of happy people
Surround my heart with deeper loneliness
A darkness that cannot be forgotten.
The emotions that reflect the colours within
Darkened reds and lifeless greys
Do I change who I am outside
To force the inner shades to lighten.
The undercurrent of heartbeats in a crowd
Life's bassline to an otherwise uninteresting song
Melancholic notes of lonely souls
Searching for more than simple existence.

- 6/Feb/2006


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Finally into 2006 poems. :)
I think I thought of this one while walking back to my dorm during my first year of undergrad. Lonely times.

"Despair"

The glow of the red moon illuminates our pain
Leaves us nowhere to hide our flaws
Intrinsic to the core of our very beings
Closing my eyes I can still see your back
The scars dancing across your pallid skin
Shadows of what you tried to leave behind.
I try to hold you, to bring you back to me
But there's nothing but cold air, ghostly presence
That lingers on this plane of existence
Refusing to let go of the despair that holds you back.
That hazy seed of doubt now threatens to overwhelm
Falling to my knees in the eclipsed darkness
My mind questioning my purpose
The reason for each breath that I draw
A broken soul in a defective shell
Destined never to survive, but to fall into nothingness
Reflection of the despair in my heart.

- 9/Dec/2005

Untitled 4-12-05

What is it about you that I can't resist
I'm drawn to your spirit like a moth to a flame
Knowing that I could get burnt, I ignore the risk
Throw caution to the wind
Damn the consequences that lie beyond
On the other side of the threshold where you are
Hesitating for the merest second
Drawing up the courage from deep within
Close my eyes and take a deep breath
To last me across the void
If only my heart could reach you
So you could hear the words I cannot say
The feelings that have no voice
I want you to know these thoughts of mine
That cry out to you to be with me forever
To always stay by my side
Against all odds, rebels against society
Unafraid of what the future may hold
Fallen angels with broken wings
Too late to put the pieces back together
We can never go back to what we were
Tainted beyond recognition
We've lost our right to live in peace.

- 4/Dec/2005


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Possibly written to Hamasaki Ayumi's "Heaven", I don't really remember for sure.

"Heaven..."

Your every word sounds like music to my ears
Every touch of your heated skin
Feels like silken clouds enveloping me
I want to feel your presence by my side
For every day until we die.

But this love is impossible, not meant to be
The truth of this dream tears me apart
Something that I can never have
All I'm allowed is a brief taste of heaven
And then I'm torn away from you.

Why were we made as two of the same
Incompatible by nature's standards
Abominations according to society's rules
Forced apart by what we strove to change
Rebels of our own destiny.

I stay here to keep all the memories of us
To remember what it is I lost
Crying out to the darkness, imagining
Praying that you could hear my voice
And that you would stay with me.

It's too much to ask for you to come back
You've moved on to more than this
Afraid to admit to the world
That you're no more of an angel than they are
Your broken wings fool everyone but me.

- 3/Dec/2005


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I was wondering if I wrote this to Hamasaki Ayumi's "Heaven" but I don't think so; the feel of the poem is very different and I don't usually title the poem the same as the song that inspired it. There's another poem (the one that I'll be posting next, in fact) that was written to "Heaven", though.

On second thought, I may have written this after reading something shounen-ai/yaoi-related. I'm not sure how much I really like it though; it seems overly saturated with cliched images or phrases.

Untitled 30-10-05

Falling deeper into the unforgiving darkness
Body trembling, convulsing with each touch
Gentle waves that refuse to break upon the shoreline
Waxing and waning like the moon
Undulating just beneath the glassy surface
Mockery of what it's supposed to be.

- 30/Oct/2005


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This one is quite short but I really like it for some reason. I'm not sure if I thought of it as complete at the time that I wrote it but seeing as I left it as is I'm going to consider it finished, heh.

Going brave

I finally decided to make this blog public! Even though the poems that I'm posting right now are still really old (2005), I feel like I've reached the ones that I feel a little prouder of? Some of the upcoming ones are also really short, maybe just one stanza, but I'll post them anyway if I think they're interesting nonetheless.

Now let's see how many people actually come across this blog, heh.

Untitled 7-10-05

The setting sun's rays illuminate our pain
Glancing through our emotions, straight to the heart
This feeling of insecurity I never want to lose
It's testament to the true love that lies beneath
Hidden below the surface of my sorrow.
Your eyes gazed at me through cloudy days
Misty veils enveloping the true from the false
Unseeing, you stare right through me
And the song in my heart died with your soul.

I see your silhouette just beyond the horizon
Reaching out, I touch nothing but air
Crying out, I hear nothing but the silence
You're nothing but a memory, ghost of the past
Haunting the dark recesses of my emotions
Drawing out the black evil that lurks within.
The gentle breeze of your presence engulfs me
Leaves me shivering in the cold, wanting more
Than just this lonely existence without you.

Turning your back on what we had, you left
Without a word, with just one more lingering kiss
That stays with me for the rest of all time
Reminding me of what I had, what I lost,
When I let you leave me here without saying goodbye
Giving up the fight, content to forgo the forever
That long ago we promised ourselves we'd find.
I see you standing there beyond the horizon
Waiting for something more, something more than me.

- 7/Oct/2005


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Although it's officially untitled, I refer to it as "Horizon" in my own mind since I wrote it to HYDE's song "Horizon".

"Doppelganger"

Try so hard to fit into the mold
That others shape for you
You finally think you're happy
But you've lost yourself along the way
You forget who you really are
Who you were meant to be
You've changed yourself to fit that image
Of what cool's supposed to be
Turning your back on all that's good
All that you've known and trusted
Leaving behind the only ones
Who truly cared for the real you
Not the doppelganger that you've become.

How to turn back the time
To return to who you were before
Back to the crossroad in your life
Where you took the wrong turn
If you can even remember the you
Before it was corrupted by society's angels
But it's not so easy as reversing
The hour hand on a magical watch
You're stuck with who you are now
The damage is done and you can do nothing
Just sit back and watch the entropy
Passing you by, destroying your soul
There's just no changing the past.

- 21/July/2005


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Heh, I just realised that I posted this at 5:14... on 5/14.

"Freedom"

All my life I've been confined to this one space
Playing the game by someone else's rules
Every drop of rain holds my sorrow
I want to run through the despair
Run free of all that holds me back.

Standing alone in a crowd of strangers
Unfamiliar faces passing by
The magical jellybeans lead me to a heaven
Far above all that I ever knew
Beyond all the clouds of my prison.

No longer sheltered from the unknown
The storm in my heart has dried
Bright sunlight warms my face
Those faces, no longer strangers to my eye
Smiling, they welcome my spirit.

Freedom is sweet, a field with no end in sight
Winds of chance blowing in every direction
Where I go from here is my choice
No more running from the past
Only towards the destiny my heart seeks.

- 12/July/2005


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I knew that I wrote this to a Hamasaki Ayumi song but I couldn't remember which one for the life of me. I could visualise certain scenes from the PV based on the poem (e.g. jellybeans, windmills) but I couldn't remember the exact song. Turns out that it was "Dearest" which I didn't even remember hearing but as soon as I started watching the video I knew that I had found the right one. Anyway, it's a beautiful, slow song. :)

I would say that this poem is based heavily on the PV rather than just the song since it reflects almost exactly what happened in the PV.

"Say Good-bye"

Say good-bye to all that you've known
This hazy cloud of indecision blurs my vision
Uncertainty lurking beyond every corner
The prospect of the unknown unnerves me
You'll never see your home again
The numbness steals my senses
Leaves me here, cold and inanimate
Shell of a lost, wandering soul.

Can you see it?
Can you feel the end?
Beyond the darkness
There is nothingness
You are alone
My loneliness.

Say good-bye to all who knew you
I'm told "out of sight, out of mind"
Isn't that what they say?
The memories of me are easily lost
You'll be forgotten by everyone
Black candles flickering in the wind
I've penned my obituary in blood
Remembrance of a worthless soul.

Can you see it?
Can you smell the decay?
Beyond the grave
There is nothingness
You are alone
My loneliness.

- 15/June/2005


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For some reason every time I read this poem I think of the band Evanescence. I wonder if maybe I was looping their CD when I wrote this?

"Good-bye"

You were always at my side
But now you're gone
Fading away like yesterday's dream.
I thought you the star in my life
But even stars have their end
The brightest stars leave the darkest void.

You were supposed to be my forever
My everlasting dream
Slowly the darkness engulfed us
And we drifted apart in the nothingness.

I thought your image etched into my memory
But images distort and crack
Leaving nothing but dusty shadows.
Your voice still whispered in my ear
But echoes eventually die
Becoming silence once more.

- 7/May/2005


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I really like some of the images in the poem but as per usual, I think they were poorly expressed.
Also, I think goodbye is most commonly spelt (spelled?) unhyphenated but for whatever reason I chose to hyphenate it when I first wrote this poem; I decided to leave it as is.

On a side note, I think I'll leave this blog private for the time being, until I reach some of the more recent poems.

Afraid of criticism

Hmm... been considering if to make this blog public or not. I mean, really, it probably doesn't make a whole lot of difference since I doubt too many people are going to happen across it anyway.

I also just registered on a poetry forum and there's a thread for criticism. *fidgets* I wonder if I should take the chance of posting something? I know I've always said that it doesn't matter if my poems are considered "good" or not by other people but lately I've been wondering if I should try taking it a step further. I'm so afraid of criticism though, especially when it comes to my poems since most of them are not just verses that I dash off thoughtlessly onto a piece of paper. I suppose it's something like having my own feelings criticised?
I like to think that poems are like art... it's entirely subjective whether something is "good" or not. But then again, maybe that's just an excuse to make myself feel better in the event that someone disses my poetry.

I guess I've just been feeling lately like I live too "safely". That I don't take enough chances and so my life feels like it's lacking something. Adventure, maybe? Not sure if criticism (constructive or not) is the best way to kindle an adventurous spirit, though...

Untitled 20-4-05

Nothing to do in this dull place
Seeing the same expression on every face
The conformity stifling my soul
I struggle but I can't regain control
Where's my saving grace
My protective guardian angel
Who will save me?

The same thoughts permeate my mind
There's no escape that I can find
The harsh reality that follows me around
I scream but no one hears a sound
Where's my grim reaper
My dark angel of mercy
Who will set me free?

- 20/April/2005


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Sounds like something I would have written in school, heh.
Also, there's a bit of rhyming in this one unlike all of the poems that come both before and after it.

Poems as an outlet

I mentioned to one of my friends the other day that I used to write poems but that my most recent ex-boyfriend found them too depressing to read (either that or he was just too lazy and wanted an excuse to stop). She said something along the lines of how poems should be "inspirational" so she wouldn't want to read them either. I find all of this somewhat amusing because the vast majority of my poems are depressing, dark, angsty, etc. I've tried writing poems of a lighter tone but they often come out sounding very cliched, even more so than my angsty ones.

When I was in high school my emotions ran so high that writing poems was my only (safe) outlet and it was the one thing that I could always rely on to calm me down no matter if I was depressed, angry, lost. Even now, when I no longer need that outlet quite as desperately, these are the only feelings that I can hold onto strongly enough to craft into a poem. It literally feels like those feelings flow onto the paper as I write (or, in more recent times, type) and I actually do feel much lighter in the end.

I suppose on some level it's a good thing that the frequency of my poems decreased once I started undergrad because it indirectly meant that I was emotionally more stable? Though, on the flip side, it also meant that all my inspiration and creativity seemed to go right down the drain. How ironic.

Untitled 18-4-05

You don't know what you can say
To pacify my aggression
Thinking of the right words
To tell me what I want to hear
And not what you truly feel.

If this isn't what you really want
I'll let you go your way
Just say the word, no more lies
And you'll be off the hook
You couldn't help me anyway.

I'm not afraid to face this alone
Without your ghost beside me
Close my eyes and take a chance
I have nothing more to lose
You already stole everything I had.

I won't forget the way we used to be
Every scar you left behind
Is like a red ribbon on my finger
And another reason to die
But I won't let you win this time.

You've finally lost your hold on me
I'm no longer your chattel
No more promises of a happy ending
To cloud and sway my decision
I can now see through your deception.

- 18/April/2005


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I think I wrote this after listening to one of my friends talking about her problems with her ex-boyfriend. I don't know if she ever realised that this poem was about her (though I suppose it's so loosely based on her problems that it's probably not even really about her per se).
When I showed this to my friends the question I was most frequently asked was, "what's chattel?" -_-;

chattel = (law) a movable article of personal property; a slave.

Untitled 2-3-05

Cherry blossoms in the air
Gently whirling in the breeze
Dizzying beauty of nature
Bring back the warm memories
Of a childhood long past.

Cool night air of festival
End of tradition's yearly place
In our exclusive modern lives
For tonight we remember all
Of a childhood long past.

- 2/March/2005

"Puppet Show"

Now that you're gone I feel empty
When before I desired only freedom
Freedom from the imagined shackles
That my mind had placed around my heart.

The tears that had fallen to the floor
Every day when we were each other's lover
Never stopped even long after our parting
I thought this was why I was running.

Wallowing in my self-pity, I had hope
That you suffered just as much as I
Fantasising of your many futile struggles
With the inner demons inside your soul.

But I returned to you, only to discover
That your heart had never waited on my love
Betrayal, you left me to stand on my own
While you twist the knife ever deeper.

Refusing to be your discarded marionette any longer
I won't play the role of the ventriloquist's dummy
Voiceless and limp, slave to your master no more
Now I'm the Puppetmaster in your new show.

- 20/Feb/2005


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Initially I was going to make the comment that it's a bit sad that I can't write lengthy poems anymore... but as I typed this poem out I realised that length does not necessarily equal awesome. -_-;

Untitled 13-11-04

Trembling at the end of my daily self-abuse
Empty desire leaking from my body
I forget the regret I feel after each time
The self-hate that permeates my soul.

The stagnant water reeks of my sin
Cold and lifeless, clear reflection
I'll never understand the empty pleasure
The unholy ritual that I partake in.

My body is alive, but only for few seconds
Precious time lost again forever
When the pleasures fade and I am alone
I am left with nothing but the hate.

- 13/Nov/2004


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A little out of order but I went back and decided to post this one too.
Not too hard to get what this poem's about.
Even though it's in the midst of a bunch of poems from before my style changed, I actually like how this one turned out.

"Surrender"

Crashed on the rocks of desolation
My hope shattered and lying at my feet
I stare, unseeing, into the distance
Yearning, like a caged bird for freedom.

The memories flash before my eyes
Like a man who senses death's approach
My body grows cold at his very touch
A flower's petals wilting at day's end.

Distorted devils dance around me
Anticipating the moment my soul takes flight
"What heaven will want you now?"
Laughing, they taunt my will into submission.

I fell to my knees as the sun set
Its last dying rays banished by the darkness
Forced to die but yet afraid to live
Running from the unknown.

- 17/Feb/2005

"Oni"

Every morning, paint on the same mask
Don the costume that cleverly hides my true self
In a perfected actor's role that I live as my life.

Hiding the dirty oni that dwells beneath
A rigid mix of poise and perfection and grace
Never to show the stab wounds just below the skin.

Every night the hardened lacquer cracks
And it slowly crumbles to ash, piling at my feet
While my disguise slips just enough to show the black.

Sleeping the dreamless sleep throughout
A night so cold and desolate for a lost soul
That always wanders for the warmth of some affection.

- 31/Jan/2005


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*oni = demon (in Japanese)

I usually strongly dislike using random Japanese words (people who say "omg that's so kawaii!!" should be shot) but at the time that I wrote this "oni" seemed to describe the image in my mind the best. It probably has some other, totally different image if you actually say it to a Japanese person though, haha.

Random thoughts

Been writing some poems lately but they're not very good... I've been having trouble expressing things. I think tonight was probably the best out of the last 4 attempts I've made but that isn't really saying much. They're also significantly shorter than my older poems which I'm a little sad about... I wonder if I'm just not putting enough effort into it?

I'm somewhat amused/excited by the 3rd attempt though, not because it's anything great but just because of the topic. It's still unfinished though; I'm trying to incorporate more into it but it's harder than I thought putting this particular subject into subtle phrases.

I've also been trying to give my poems titles again, mainly because I don't want to have to refer to all of them as "Untitled #__".

Too bad I'm going in (somewhat) chronological order... that means my new poems won't get posted for a long while, heh.

"Snowfall"

I stand in the midst of snowflakes
Gently floating and falling to the ground
Your distanced silhouette before me
Unchanging, still imprinted on my eyelids.
Cold breezes rustle the empty branches of nearby trees
Eddying at my feet, they draw the warmth from my body
My life blood red, scarlet tears, against the snow
White innocence.

Forgiveness does not come with winter's first snowfall
My pain will live on in spring's new flower blossoms
Hard ground against my knees as I surrender
Welcoming the cold comfort of fresh powder snow.
Sweet emptiness and numbness steals my entire body
Closing my eyes to see you before me once more
I lie, a fallen angel framed by garnet wings
Emptied heart.

- 11/Jan/2005


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I'm almost positive that I was inspired by L'Arc~en~Ciel's "Snowdrop" and "Winterfall"... I don't remember if it was the songs themselves or simply the titles, heh.

Reading this now I feel like I had a clear picture of this scene in my mind which I transferred very very poorly onto paper. :(

"Amethyst Skies"

Call me a dreamer if you will
Optimist, pacifist, peace keeper, saint
I'm not as innocent and naive
As you seem to perceive me to be.
I choose to see what I want
To dream the unreal realities of life
Under the amethyst skies in my mind
Where I wish upon bright sapphire stars.

Call me blinded by love if you will
Hopeful, faithful, head over heels, fool
My eyes are not as clouded over
With false promises as you think.
I choose to give my heart to him
To safe keep for the rest of forever
Beneath the bright sapphire stars
Set within the folds of amethyst skies.

- 10/Jan/2005

"Summer Love"

Summer's gone and left us here
Shivering in the cold winter's air
It was good while it lasted
The time we spent together in love
But summer's love has faded
Like autumn leaves it's all but changed
Different colours in a different time
It wasn't meant to last.

Summer's time was all we ever had
Unknowingly we squandered the hours
Blind to the darkness at the end
Of clear skies and sunny days
But summer's months have passed
Long gone like sand in the hourglass
Different people set on different paths
We weren't meant to last.

- 9/Jan/2005


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Decided to at least stick with the 2005-and-earlier stuff for now... aka poems-with-titles, lol.

Decisions, decisions

I don't know if to post my poems in chronological order or if to just post whatever I feel like posting. On the one hand, chronological order is nice because you can see the improvement (assuming there's any) and the transition in style. On the other hand, chronological order would mean suffering through all the early pieces until the supposed good stuff comes along (though most of my later stuff is sappy and cliched... so really, it's more like a bell curve of "good" -_-;).

So far I haven't posted in chronological order but they were all from a general "era", if you will. Maybe I should just stick to that?

"Divine Rebel"

Entranced by the forbidden darkness
From behind the boundaries the voices whisper to me
Calling to me to visit their humble abode for tea
But if I go will I ever get to leave?

These wings stifle me, this halo chokes my senses
Drowning, suffocating, asphyxiating in the light
I want to break loose from the invisible shackles that hold me back
This divinity is overrated.

Fighting on the side of good, to save the unworthy souls
Of those who do not seek my salvation or help
I'll leave them to die, to go straight to Lucifer's hell hole
I'm the divine rebel that will deliver you from your sins.

Fall to your knees and grovel before my greatness
Beg for your miserable life and for my forgiveness
Your first mistake fucker was to ever cross my path
I'll mark your face and sacrifice your soul for my redemption.

Say goodbye to your whore and kiss your wife farewell
Follow the trail of blood that leads straight to your grave
Caressing your cheek with death I whisper sweetly to you
I'll see you soon you son of a bitch... I'll see you in hell.

- 23/March/2005


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Since my blog address is divine-rebel, lol.
I'm pretty sure I wrote this after watching the movie "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves... it's also probably one of the few poems I've written with curse words in it.

"Dead or Alive"

Every touch of your lips, every smile that you give
Reminds me of the reasons on why I chose to live
The warmth of your skin and the rush that I get
In every whisper that you send in the dark silhouette
Of quiet night with the moon shining bright and full
The look in your eyes as you give my waist a gentle pull.

I never knew such pain as when you left my side
I always felt as though a part of me had died.
And in your return I found my solace and joy
Even as I knew you only saw me as a toy.
I couldn't bear to leave, to abandon you again
I refused to believe there could ever be an end.

Without you here I'm afraid to stand all alone
But I know that I must learn to live on my own
The hold you had on me has weakened and slipped
I no longer live my life only as you see it fit.
You laugh at me now, tell me I won't survive
But least I'm guaranteed a chance to be alive.

- 2/May/04


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Back in the day when all my poems rhymed. I like how it's split equally between the two contrasting mentalities even if some of it doesn't really make sense.

"Fallen Angel"

Raven strands of silken hair gliding gently across
Porcelain white skin glowing in the forbidden light
Black-lidded eyes staring languidly into space
Lips reddened by the stolen life force.

Untouched innocence radiating from the darkness
Passion pent up within the soul begging for freedom
Virgin wings tinged with blackened sin
Sweet muse's voice echoing in the silence.

Pale skin hiding sinewy muscle, cold to the touch
Pink tongue flickering over, seeking warmth
Unseeing pupils dilated with the approaching night
Wounded angel, fallen from grace.

Confining shackles marring translucent existence
Primal urges bringing their captive to knees
Hoarse begging ripped from the very core
Pleading for death if not release.

- 5/Oct/2005


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I'm pretty sure I wrote this to HYDE's "Hello". Even though I have a number of other poems that predate this one, I thought that this would be a fitting post to commemorate my rediscovered Laruku love. :)

Writing practice - 01

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to press the 'reset' button on my life.

To start over and do the things I always wish I had done, to say the things I always wish I had said, to become the person I always wish I had become.

Sometimes I think that even trying at this point is a waste of time, like a game that you know you'll eventually lose no matter what you do. But you keep playing anyway, hoping that something miraculous will happen and the death screen proclaiming that you've lost will never appear. Only it always does, sooner or later.

And you can only regret not having chosen the other path, the other party member, the other weapon, the other class, the other card.

I wonder what it would be like to press the 'reset' button on my life.


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Date: 29/March/2010

Inspiration: Nell - 멀어지다 [Drifting Apart]

Intro post

So, I've decided to create another blog specifically for posting my poems/writings. Even if they're not great, each one carries a little bit of my pride with it.

Eventually I'll get around to posting most of my old poems, simply because it'll be nice seeing them all in one place.

I'm also trying to improve my writing so I'll post those little snippets of 'practice' whenever I get hit by inspiration (which, unfortunately, doesn't happen often). I don't really have a reason for improving my writing; it's not like I plan on doing anything with it. But I think that I've been looking for a creative outlet lately except that I can't sing, I can't dance, and my poetic skills are even worse than they used to be. So I figure, hey, why not try my hand at writing again?

I noticed that I tend to be inspired a lot by music, so I'll loop a particular song for the entire time that I'm writing something. I'll probably slip that in at the end of the posts just for the heck of it (if I remember... I don't always record what song was my inspiration).

Enjoy?