"Oni"

Every morning, paint on the same mask
Don the costume that cleverly hides my true self
In a perfected actor's role that I live as my life.

Hiding the dirty oni that dwells beneath
A rigid mix of poise and perfection and grace
Never to show the stab wounds just below the skin.

Every night the hardened lacquer cracks
And it slowly crumbles to ash, piling at my feet
While my disguise slips just enough to show the black.

Sleeping the dreamless sleep throughout
A night so cold and desolate for a lost soul
That always wanders for the warmth of some affection.

- 31/Jan/2005


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*oni = demon (in Japanese)

I usually strongly dislike using random Japanese words (people who say "omg that's so kawaii!!" should be shot) but at the time that I wrote this "oni" seemed to describe the image in my mind the best. It probably has some other, totally different image if you actually say it to a Japanese person though, haha.

Random thoughts

Been writing some poems lately but they're not very good... I've been having trouble expressing things. I think tonight was probably the best out of the last 4 attempts I've made but that isn't really saying much. They're also significantly shorter than my older poems which I'm a little sad about... I wonder if I'm just not putting enough effort into it?

I'm somewhat amused/excited by the 3rd attempt though, not because it's anything great but just because of the topic. It's still unfinished though; I'm trying to incorporate more into it but it's harder than I thought putting this particular subject into subtle phrases.

I've also been trying to give my poems titles again, mainly because I don't want to have to refer to all of them as "Untitled #__".

Too bad I'm going in (somewhat) chronological order... that means my new poems won't get posted for a long while, heh.

"Snowfall"

I stand in the midst of snowflakes
Gently floating and falling to the ground
Your distanced silhouette before me
Unchanging, still imprinted on my eyelids.
Cold breezes rustle the empty branches of nearby trees
Eddying at my feet, they draw the warmth from my body
My life blood red, scarlet tears, against the snow
White innocence.

Forgiveness does not come with winter's first snowfall
My pain will live on in spring's new flower blossoms
Hard ground against my knees as I surrender
Welcoming the cold comfort of fresh powder snow.
Sweet emptiness and numbness steals my entire body
Closing my eyes to see you before me once more
I lie, a fallen angel framed by garnet wings
Emptied heart.

- 11/Jan/2005


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I'm almost positive that I was inspired by L'Arc~en~Ciel's "Snowdrop" and "Winterfall"... I don't remember if it was the songs themselves or simply the titles, heh.

Reading this now I feel like I had a clear picture of this scene in my mind which I transferred very very poorly onto paper. :(

"Amethyst Skies"

Call me a dreamer if you will
Optimist, pacifist, peace keeper, saint
I'm not as innocent and naive
As you seem to perceive me to be.
I choose to see what I want
To dream the unreal realities of life
Under the amethyst skies in my mind
Where I wish upon bright sapphire stars.

Call me blinded by love if you will
Hopeful, faithful, head over heels, fool
My eyes are not as clouded over
With false promises as you think.
I choose to give my heart to him
To safe keep for the rest of forever
Beneath the bright sapphire stars
Set within the folds of amethyst skies.

- 10/Jan/2005

"Summer Love"

Summer's gone and left us here
Shivering in the cold winter's air
It was good while it lasted
The time we spent together in love
But summer's love has faded
Like autumn leaves it's all but changed
Different colours in a different time
It wasn't meant to last.

Summer's time was all we ever had
Unknowingly we squandered the hours
Blind to the darkness at the end
Of clear skies and sunny days
But summer's months have passed
Long gone like sand in the hourglass
Different people set on different paths
We weren't meant to last.

- 9/Jan/2005


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Decided to at least stick with the 2005-and-earlier stuff for now... aka poems-with-titles, lol.

Decisions, decisions

I don't know if to post my poems in chronological order or if to just post whatever I feel like posting. On the one hand, chronological order is nice because you can see the improvement (assuming there's any) and the transition in style. On the other hand, chronological order would mean suffering through all the early pieces until the supposed good stuff comes along (though most of my later stuff is sappy and cliched... so really, it's more like a bell curve of "good" -_-;).

So far I haven't posted in chronological order but they were all from a general "era", if you will. Maybe I should just stick to that?

"Divine Rebel"

Entranced by the forbidden darkness
From behind the boundaries the voices whisper to me
Calling to me to visit their humble abode for tea
But if I go will I ever get to leave?

These wings stifle me, this halo chokes my senses
Drowning, suffocating, asphyxiating in the light
I want to break loose from the invisible shackles that hold me back
This divinity is overrated.

Fighting on the side of good, to save the unworthy souls
Of those who do not seek my salvation or help
I'll leave them to die, to go straight to Lucifer's hell hole
I'm the divine rebel that will deliver you from your sins.

Fall to your knees and grovel before my greatness
Beg for your miserable life and for my forgiveness
Your first mistake fucker was to ever cross my path
I'll mark your face and sacrifice your soul for my redemption.

Say goodbye to your whore and kiss your wife farewell
Follow the trail of blood that leads straight to your grave
Caressing your cheek with death I whisper sweetly to you
I'll see you soon you son of a bitch... I'll see you in hell.

- 23/March/2005


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Since my blog address is divine-rebel, lol.
I'm pretty sure I wrote this after watching the movie "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves... it's also probably one of the few poems I've written with curse words in it.

"Dead or Alive"

Every touch of your lips, every smile that you give
Reminds me of the reasons on why I chose to live
The warmth of your skin and the rush that I get
In every whisper that you send in the dark silhouette
Of quiet night with the moon shining bright and full
The look in your eyes as you give my waist a gentle pull.

I never knew such pain as when you left my side
I always felt as though a part of me had died.
And in your return I found my solace and joy
Even as I knew you only saw me as a toy.
I couldn't bear to leave, to abandon you again
I refused to believe there could ever be an end.

Without you here I'm afraid to stand all alone
But I know that I must learn to live on my own
The hold you had on me has weakened and slipped
I no longer live my life only as you see it fit.
You laugh at me now, tell me I won't survive
But least I'm guaranteed a chance to be alive.

- 2/May/04


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Back in the day when all my poems rhymed. I like how it's split equally between the two contrasting mentalities even if some of it doesn't really make sense.

"Fallen Angel"

Raven strands of silken hair gliding gently across
Porcelain white skin glowing in the forbidden light
Black-lidded eyes staring languidly into space
Lips reddened by the stolen life force.

Untouched innocence radiating from the darkness
Passion pent up within the soul begging for freedom
Virgin wings tinged with blackened sin
Sweet muse's voice echoing in the silence.

Pale skin hiding sinewy muscle, cold to the touch
Pink tongue flickering over, seeking warmth
Unseeing pupils dilated with the approaching night
Wounded angel, fallen from grace.

Confining shackles marring translucent existence
Primal urges bringing their captive to knees
Hoarse begging ripped from the very core
Pleading for death if not release.

- 5/Oct/2005


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I'm pretty sure I wrote this to HYDE's "Hello". Even though I have a number of other poems that predate this one, I thought that this would be a fitting post to commemorate my rediscovered Laruku love. :)