Untitled 4-4-06

Fluctuating between high and low
My mood swings have become unpredictable
I don't know how else to make it better
Drugs, natural and imagined
Pain, physical and self-inflicted
One small thing can make it all go away
But then it all comes flooding back again
Like waves upon a rocky shoreline
Grains of sand lost with every ebb and flow
And now I don't wish for death anymore
I'd just end up back at the beginning
Destined to endure this forever.

- 4/April/2006

Untitled 28-3-06

I feel like I'm being driven insane by you
Anywhere I go, you're there with me
Thoughts of you refuse to fade from my mind
Your memories plaguing my every move
When will I forget the time we had together
The brief spell that swayed our rationale
Sometimes temptation's just too strong to resist
We've fallen and now there's no going back
To the place where we once used to be
There's nowhere to look but ahead
But even that holds a bleak future for us.
There was never a time before now
When I hated myself more than when I met you
And reality blurs into nothing when we're apart
Waiting for the end of the game to come
So we can drift away from these chains
That bind both our sins one to the other
Close our eyes and forget what was never there
Burn the bridges that can't ever be crossed.

- 28/March/2006


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I wasn't going to post this initially because overall I really don't like it. There's no oomph, no emotion. But there are a couple of lines that did appeal to me so I thought I'd go for it.
Also, the last line brings to mind the song "The Point of No Return" from "The Phantom of the Opera"... I was probably obsessed with it at the time that I wrote this poem, heh. Not that the images/meanings are anything alike, aside from bridges burning.

Untitled 11-2-06

The gentle rain beating rhythmically against the window
Filling this room with the sound of lonely emptiness
Like the memories that threaten to overcome my heart
The feeling of you beside me has yet to fade
Even though your presence has long left this room
But I can never forget your body in my arms
Warming me against the coldness of the night
Responding to every touch, every light brush
Flushed pink with the heat of our passion
Moving against you I can feel your heartbeat
A faint rhythmic drumming that mirrors my own
As your voice fills this room with sweet pleasure
Reaching our limit we let go of everything
The white ecstasy threatening to overtake our minds
When all else fades away, all that's left is just us
But even that fades with time, like an old photograph
Left in the sun and neglected for too long
And now there's only the rhythmic fall of tears
Upon the floor, echoing in the silence of this room.

- 11/Feb/2006

Untitled 6-2-06

The gentle lull of life passing me by
The lively sounds of happy people
Surround my heart with deeper loneliness
A darkness that cannot be forgotten.
The emotions that reflect the colours within
Darkened reds and lifeless greys
Do I change who I am outside
To force the inner shades to lighten.
The undercurrent of heartbeats in a crowd
Life's bassline to an otherwise uninteresting song
Melancholic notes of lonely souls
Searching for more than simple existence.

- 6/Feb/2006


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Finally into 2006 poems. :)
I think I thought of this one while walking back to my dorm during my first year of undergrad. Lonely times.

"Despair"

The glow of the red moon illuminates our pain
Leaves us nowhere to hide our flaws
Intrinsic to the core of our very beings
Closing my eyes I can still see your back
The scars dancing across your pallid skin
Shadows of what you tried to leave behind.
I try to hold you, to bring you back to me
But there's nothing but cold air, ghostly presence
That lingers on this plane of existence
Refusing to let go of the despair that holds you back.
That hazy seed of doubt now threatens to overwhelm
Falling to my knees in the eclipsed darkness
My mind questioning my purpose
The reason for each breath that I draw
A broken soul in a defective shell
Destined never to survive, but to fall into nothingness
Reflection of the despair in my heart.

- 9/Dec/2005

Untitled 4-12-05

What is it about you that I can't resist
I'm drawn to your spirit like a moth to a flame
Knowing that I could get burnt, I ignore the risk
Throw caution to the wind
Damn the consequences that lie beyond
On the other side of the threshold where you are
Hesitating for the merest second
Drawing up the courage from deep within
Close my eyes and take a deep breath
To last me across the void
If only my heart could reach you
So you could hear the words I cannot say
The feelings that have no voice
I want you to know these thoughts of mine
That cry out to you to be with me forever
To always stay by my side
Against all odds, rebels against society
Unafraid of what the future may hold
Fallen angels with broken wings
Too late to put the pieces back together
We can never go back to what we were
Tainted beyond recognition
We've lost our right to live in peace.

- 4/Dec/2005


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Possibly written to Hamasaki Ayumi's "Heaven", I don't really remember for sure.

"Heaven..."

Your every word sounds like music to my ears
Every touch of your heated skin
Feels like silken clouds enveloping me
I want to feel your presence by my side
For every day until we die.

But this love is impossible, not meant to be
The truth of this dream tears me apart
Something that I can never have
All I'm allowed is a brief taste of heaven
And then I'm torn away from you.

Why were we made as two of the same
Incompatible by nature's standards
Abominations according to society's rules
Forced apart by what we strove to change
Rebels of our own destiny.

I stay here to keep all the memories of us
To remember what it is I lost
Crying out to the darkness, imagining
Praying that you could hear my voice
And that you would stay with me.

It's too much to ask for you to come back
You've moved on to more than this
Afraid to admit to the world
That you're no more of an angel than they are
Your broken wings fool everyone but me.

- 3/Dec/2005


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I was wondering if I wrote this to Hamasaki Ayumi's "Heaven" but I don't think so; the feel of the poem is very different and I don't usually title the poem the same as the song that inspired it. There's another poem (the one that I'll be posting next, in fact) that was written to "Heaven", though.

On second thought, I may have written this after reading something shounen-ai/yaoi-related. I'm not sure how much I really like it though; it seems overly saturated with cliched images or phrases.

Untitled 30-10-05

Falling deeper into the unforgiving darkness
Body trembling, convulsing with each touch
Gentle waves that refuse to break upon the shoreline
Waxing and waning like the moon
Undulating just beneath the glassy surface
Mockery of what it's supposed to be.

- 30/Oct/2005


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This one is quite short but I really like it for some reason. I'm not sure if I thought of it as complete at the time that I wrote it but seeing as I left it as is I'm going to consider it finished, heh.

Going brave

I finally decided to make this blog public! Even though the poems that I'm posting right now are still really old (2005), I feel like I've reached the ones that I feel a little prouder of? Some of the upcoming ones are also really short, maybe just one stanza, but I'll post them anyway if I think they're interesting nonetheless.

Now let's see how many people actually come across this blog, heh.

Untitled 7-10-05

The setting sun's rays illuminate our pain
Glancing through our emotions, straight to the heart
This feeling of insecurity I never want to lose
It's testament to the true love that lies beneath
Hidden below the surface of my sorrow.
Your eyes gazed at me through cloudy days
Misty veils enveloping the true from the false
Unseeing, you stare right through me
And the song in my heart died with your soul.

I see your silhouette just beyond the horizon
Reaching out, I touch nothing but air
Crying out, I hear nothing but the silence
You're nothing but a memory, ghost of the past
Haunting the dark recesses of my emotions
Drawing out the black evil that lurks within.
The gentle breeze of your presence engulfs me
Leaves me shivering in the cold, wanting more
Than just this lonely existence without you.

Turning your back on what we had, you left
Without a word, with just one more lingering kiss
That stays with me for the rest of all time
Reminding me of what I had, what I lost,
When I let you leave me here without saying goodbye
Giving up the fight, content to forgo the forever
That long ago we promised ourselves we'd find.
I see you standing there beyond the horizon
Waiting for something more, something more than me.

- 7/Oct/2005


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Although it's officially untitled, I refer to it as "Horizon" in my own mind since I wrote it to HYDE's song "Horizon".

"Doppelganger"

Try so hard to fit into the mold
That others shape for you
You finally think you're happy
But you've lost yourself along the way
You forget who you really are
Who you were meant to be
You've changed yourself to fit that image
Of what cool's supposed to be
Turning your back on all that's good
All that you've known and trusted
Leaving behind the only ones
Who truly cared for the real you
Not the doppelganger that you've become.

How to turn back the time
To return to who you were before
Back to the crossroad in your life
Where you took the wrong turn
If you can even remember the you
Before it was corrupted by society's angels
But it's not so easy as reversing
The hour hand on a magical watch
You're stuck with who you are now
The damage is done and you can do nothing
Just sit back and watch the entropy
Passing you by, destroying your soul
There's just no changing the past.

- 21/July/2005


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Heh, I just realised that I posted this at 5:14... on 5/14.

"Freedom"

All my life I've been confined to this one space
Playing the game by someone else's rules
Every drop of rain holds my sorrow
I want to run through the despair
Run free of all that holds me back.

Standing alone in a crowd of strangers
Unfamiliar faces passing by
The magical jellybeans lead me to a heaven
Far above all that I ever knew
Beyond all the clouds of my prison.

No longer sheltered from the unknown
The storm in my heart has dried
Bright sunlight warms my face
Those faces, no longer strangers to my eye
Smiling, they welcome my spirit.

Freedom is sweet, a field with no end in sight
Winds of chance blowing in every direction
Where I go from here is my choice
No more running from the past
Only towards the destiny my heart seeks.

- 12/July/2005


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I knew that I wrote this to a Hamasaki Ayumi song but I couldn't remember which one for the life of me. I could visualise certain scenes from the PV based on the poem (e.g. jellybeans, windmills) but I couldn't remember the exact song. Turns out that it was "Dearest" which I didn't even remember hearing but as soon as I started watching the video I knew that I had found the right one. Anyway, it's a beautiful, slow song. :)

I would say that this poem is based heavily on the PV rather than just the song since it reflects almost exactly what happened in the PV.

"Say Good-bye"

Say good-bye to all that you've known
This hazy cloud of indecision blurs my vision
Uncertainty lurking beyond every corner
The prospect of the unknown unnerves me
You'll never see your home again
The numbness steals my senses
Leaves me here, cold and inanimate
Shell of a lost, wandering soul.

Can you see it?
Can you feel the end?
Beyond the darkness
There is nothingness
You are alone
My loneliness.

Say good-bye to all who knew you
I'm told "out of sight, out of mind"
Isn't that what they say?
The memories of me are easily lost
You'll be forgotten by everyone
Black candles flickering in the wind
I've penned my obituary in blood
Remembrance of a worthless soul.

Can you see it?
Can you smell the decay?
Beyond the grave
There is nothingness
You are alone
My loneliness.

- 15/June/2005


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For some reason every time I read this poem I think of the band Evanescence. I wonder if maybe I was looping their CD when I wrote this?

"Good-bye"

You were always at my side
But now you're gone
Fading away like yesterday's dream.
I thought you the star in my life
But even stars have their end
The brightest stars leave the darkest void.

You were supposed to be my forever
My everlasting dream
Slowly the darkness engulfed us
And we drifted apart in the nothingness.

I thought your image etched into my memory
But images distort and crack
Leaving nothing but dusty shadows.
Your voice still whispered in my ear
But echoes eventually die
Becoming silence once more.

- 7/May/2005


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I really like some of the images in the poem but as per usual, I think they were poorly expressed.
Also, I think goodbye is most commonly spelt (spelled?) unhyphenated but for whatever reason I chose to hyphenate it when I first wrote this poem; I decided to leave it as is.

On a side note, I think I'll leave this blog private for the time being, until I reach some of the more recent poems.

Afraid of criticism

Hmm... been considering if to make this blog public or not. I mean, really, it probably doesn't make a whole lot of difference since I doubt too many people are going to happen across it anyway.

I also just registered on a poetry forum and there's a thread for criticism. *fidgets* I wonder if I should take the chance of posting something? I know I've always said that it doesn't matter if my poems are considered "good" or not by other people but lately I've been wondering if I should try taking it a step further. I'm so afraid of criticism though, especially when it comes to my poems since most of them are not just verses that I dash off thoughtlessly onto a piece of paper. I suppose it's something like having my own feelings criticised?
I like to think that poems are like art... it's entirely subjective whether something is "good" or not. But then again, maybe that's just an excuse to make myself feel better in the event that someone disses my poetry.

I guess I've just been feeling lately like I live too "safely". That I don't take enough chances and so my life feels like it's lacking something. Adventure, maybe? Not sure if criticism (constructive or not) is the best way to kindle an adventurous spirit, though...

Untitled 20-4-05

Nothing to do in this dull place
Seeing the same expression on every face
The conformity stifling my soul
I struggle but I can't regain control
Where's my saving grace
My protective guardian angel
Who will save me?

The same thoughts permeate my mind
There's no escape that I can find
The harsh reality that follows me around
I scream but no one hears a sound
Where's my grim reaper
My dark angel of mercy
Who will set me free?

- 20/April/2005


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Sounds like something I would have written in school, heh.
Also, there's a bit of rhyming in this one unlike all of the poems that come both before and after it.

Poems as an outlet

I mentioned to one of my friends the other day that I used to write poems but that my most recent ex-boyfriend found them too depressing to read (either that or he was just too lazy and wanted an excuse to stop). She said something along the lines of how poems should be "inspirational" so she wouldn't want to read them either. I find all of this somewhat amusing because the vast majority of my poems are depressing, dark, angsty, etc. I've tried writing poems of a lighter tone but they often come out sounding very cliched, even more so than my angsty ones.

When I was in high school my emotions ran so high that writing poems was my only (safe) outlet and it was the one thing that I could always rely on to calm me down no matter if I was depressed, angry, lost. Even now, when I no longer need that outlet quite as desperately, these are the only feelings that I can hold onto strongly enough to craft into a poem. It literally feels like those feelings flow onto the paper as I write (or, in more recent times, type) and I actually do feel much lighter in the end.

I suppose on some level it's a good thing that the frequency of my poems decreased once I started undergrad because it indirectly meant that I was emotionally more stable? Though, on the flip side, it also meant that all my inspiration and creativity seemed to go right down the drain. How ironic.

Untitled 18-4-05

You don't know what you can say
To pacify my aggression
Thinking of the right words
To tell me what I want to hear
And not what you truly feel.

If this isn't what you really want
I'll let you go your way
Just say the word, no more lies
And you'll be off the hook
You couldn't help me anyway.

I'm not afraid to face this alone
Without your ghost beside me
Close my eyes and take a chance
I have nothing more to lose
You already stole everything I had.

I won't forget the way we used to be
Every scar you left behind
Is like a red ribbon on my finger
And another reason to die
But I won't let you win this time.

You've finally lost your hold on me
I'm no longer your chattel
No more promises of a happy ending
To cloud and sway my decision
I can now see through your deception.

- 18/April/2005


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I think I wrote this after listening to one of my friends talking about her problems with her ex-boyfriend. I don't know if she ever realised that this poem was about her (though I suppose it's so loosely based on her problems that it's probably not even really about her per se).
When I showed this to my friends the question I was most frequently asked was, "what's chattel?" -_-;

chattel = (law) a movable article of personal property; a slave.

Untitled 2-3-05

Cherry blossoms in the air
Gently whirling in the breeze
Dizzying beauty of nature
Bring back the warm memories
Of a childhood long past.

Cool night air of festival
End of tradition's yearly place
In our exclusive modern lives
For tonight we remember all
Of a childhood long past.

- 2/March/2005

"Puppet Show"

Now that you're gone I feel empty
When before I desired only freedom
Freedom from the imagined shackles
That my mind had placed around my heart.

The tears that had fallen to the floor
Every day when we were each other's lover
Never stopped even long after our parting
I thought this was why I was running.

Wallowing in my self-pity, I had hope
That you suffered just as much as I
Fantasising of your many futile struggles
With the inner demons inside your soul.

But I returned to you, only to discover
That your heart had never waited on my love
Betrayal, you left me to stand on my own
While you twist the knife ever deeper.

Refusing to be your discarded marionette any longer
I won't play the role of the ventriloquist's dummy
Voiceless and limp, slave to your master no more
Now I'm the Puppetmaster in your new show.

- 20/Feb/2005


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Initially I was going to make the comment that it's a bit sad that I can't write lengthy poems anymore... but as I typed this poem out I realised that length does not necessarily equal awesome. -_-;

Untitled 13-11-04

Trembling at the end of my daily self-abuse
Empty desire leaking from my body
I forget the regret I feel after each time
The self-hate that permeates my soul.

The stagnant water reeks of my sin
Cold and lifeless, clear reflection
I'll never understand the empty pleasure
The unholy ritual that I partake in.

My body is alive, but only for few seconds
Precious time lost again forever
When the pleasures fade and I am alone
I am left with nothing but the hate.

- 13/Nov/2004


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A little out of order but I went back and decided to post this one too.
Not too hard to get what this poem's about.
Even though it's in the midst of a bunch of poems from before my style changed, I actually like how this one turned out.

"Surrender"

Crashed on the rocks of desolation
My hope shattered and lying at my feet
I stare, unseeing, into the distance
Yearning, like a caged bird for freedom.

The memories flash before my eyes
Like a man who senses death's approach
My body grows cold at his very touch
A flower's petals wilting at day's end.

Distorted devils dance around me
Anticipating the moment my soul takes flight
"What heaven will want you now?"
Laughing, they taunt my will into submission.

I fell to my knees as the sun set
Its last dying rays banished by the darkness
Forced to die but yet afraid to live
Running from the unknown.

- 17/Feb/2005